sean dixit:
this was my first crack at something like this so sorry for the confusions
Don't apologise—you have made a good start & I particularly like the last line
On the other hand, it is important that the meaning is clear before you start translating—or the back translation from Latin to English will be gibberish...
As I understand it, is should now stand something like:
As I grip my sword with callused hands
let Thine enemies be confounded by thy judgment
and bring peace if it be your command
O Lord, prepare my table in the dawn of battle
so I shall have the protection of all the angels in heaven
and let me not yield through weakness
but have strength to draw first blood
when first chance takes its plight
when thy scales are set to weigh my heart
may thy wisdom come like a flashing flame
Before Your face, no questions suffice
like chaff in the wind they disappear before Your Name
Lord, let my eyes not fail when looking upwards
You are completely correct about the word appeasement, in that it used to have this meaning. Following World War II however, the word has acquired a derogatory connotation. A further problem is that when it is used in the bible, it is usually talking about some kind of gift being given to placate someone's anger. I can't find the verse to hand, however one translation has the death of Jesus being offered as an appeasement for mans' sin. If you wish, you can translate this into Latin, however the back translation would give you something like, "and bring atonement if it be your command", which I think is not quite your meaning.
Relinquish is a transitive verb—you need an object. Yield is probably a better choice. Debility implies a frailty through sickness. I think your meaning is closer to something like Matthew 26:41 "Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak". Is that correct?
The parts which still are problematic are:
when first chance takes its plight. The problem here is that you have two conflicting nouns. First chance is a good thing, which would would want to take. A plight is a bad situation, and you tend to be in it, rather than to take it.
and bring peace if it be your command. This is translatable as it stands, however, as I said, the command of God is done rather than requested, & it seems out of character that a spiritually inclined knight would imply that God's command might not be fulfilled! The words do not necessarily rhyme in Latin, so this does not have to be a consideration. Potential alternatives would be, "and bring peace by your command" or "and bring peace if it be your will".
prepare my table in the dawn of battle—this is also easy enough to translate, but as I say, I suspect it doesn't quite have this meaning. On the other hand, a spiritual knight might well have kept vigil before a battle, praying that God would make him worthy. You could therefore pray:
O Lord, prepare my heart in the dawn of battle
and grant me the protection of all the angels in heaven.
Just as a final suggestion, the first line is good and sets the scene vividly, but the flow from to first to the second is not quite so obvious. If you moved it further down, or moved one of the later lines up, you would have a set of 6 matched couplets with the last line standing alone:
As I grip my sword with callused hands
let me not yield through weakness
Others might disagree with me. This is pretty much personal preference.
Let me know what you think.
JD