Blake: I Saw a Chapel

[deudeditus]

Well, inspired by Blake yet again, but without his creative genius, I decided to translate another poem.


Sacellum claro uidi auro
Quod intra nullus eam esse
Optabat. Multi forís lacrimantes
Stabant illi, atrati, sacris.

Vidi draco inter phalas
Prae fore stantes surgere
Cum ui, cum ui, cum ui is insurgit
Depulsa foris est aurata

Trans uiam dulcem pertrahebat
Fulgentibus ornatam baccis
Et gemmis, usque albentem mensam,
Suum corpus peruirosum

Ita uirum expellit draco
In panem atque uinum rubrum
Ut me, ad haram aduertam, deinde
Inter sues ponam me ego

Villiam Blake

Original

I Saw a Chapel


I saw a chapel all of gold
That none did dare to enter in,
And many weeping stood without,
Weeping, mourning, worshipping.

I saw a serpent rise between
The white pillars of the door,
And he forc'd and forc'd and forc'd,
Down the golden hinges tore.

And along the pavement sweet,
Set with pearls and rubies bright,
All his slimy length he drew
Till upon the altar white

Vomiting his poison out
On the bread and on the wine.
So I turn'd into a sty
And laid me down among the swine.

William Blake


I'm pressed for time, but I do have some questions about this. Any suggestions/comments/criticisms/ridicule would be appreciated.

-Jon

 

[Cato]

Not bad; a few comments:

* I'm not sure of the rhythm here; at first I thought you were not allowing elisions, but later it seems as if the rhythm calls for them.

* A suggestion for a change to the first verse:

Sacellum claro vidi auro,
quod non ingredi ulli audent.
Multi lacrimantes stabant
foris flent, adorant, lugent.

I think this gets more of what Blake has...

* In the second verse, last line, I think you want cardina - "hinges" not foris - "door/doors"; how about Depulsa cardina aurata?

* In the last two lines of the third verse and the first line of the fourth, how about:

Et gemmis, corpus caenulentum
ducit donec ad altare

album draco fellem vomit

 

[Iynx]

I like the first line especially.

 

[deudeditus]

thanks, Cato, for the suggestions. I guess I get too caught up in making the lines correspond to eachother. foris , I knew wasn't what I wanted, but cardo or it's declensions I couldn't make fit the rhythm. I like your ideas.

thanks Iynx.

-Jon

 

[deudeditus]

Trans uiam dulcem pertrahebat
Fulgentibus ornatam baccis
Et gemmis, corpus caenulentum
ducit donec ad altare

album draco fellem vomit
In panem atque uinum rubrum
Ut me, ad haram aduertam, deinde
Inter sues ponam me ego


on second survey i saw some silly subject of inquiry. uidetur nostrum serpentem ad altarem suum corpus cum pertrahere tum ducere.

what is this fellem? :shock: certainly I would not fellate anyone, let alone such an 'orrible serpent! haha. :lol: I think fel is a neuter noun. how aboot:
album. draco fel euomit...

anyway, let me know if I'm wrong about the whole pertrahebat vs. ducit thing, I must be off.

cvratevtvaleatisamici

-Jon

 

[Cato]

what is this fellem? :shock: certainly I would not fellate anyone, let alone such an 'orrible serpent! haha. :lol: I think fel is a neuter noun. how aboot:
album. draco fel euomit...

Eeep...good catch; fel, fellis is indeed neuter. As a result of drinking too much fel, I thought it was masculine...